I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My ATM looks so different sober.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
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