i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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