proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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