i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
