you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
