after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
