God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
