My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
