Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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