dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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