somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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