Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
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