Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
