11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
