I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
