Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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