You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
