Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
