Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
How does one acquire holy water?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
