Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
