This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
