I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
