somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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