Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Please don't give away my fajitas
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
