I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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