I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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