the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
