Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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