Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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