Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
