Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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