summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
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