he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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