Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
