Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
