so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm always down for nudity.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
