It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Found the puke drawer
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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