I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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