the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
