i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
