i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
