my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
