Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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