I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
