The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
