No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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