just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
