i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
3 2 1 whiskey
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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