i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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