Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
