I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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