apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
