Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
