Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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