I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
