i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
