u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
